Emotional Intelligence for Veterans

Adam Torres and Philip Ayles discuss emotional intelligence for veterans.

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Show Notes: 

Emotional intelligence and mindfulness are tools that Philip Ayles teaches when coaching veterans. In this episode, Adam Torres interviewed Philip Ayles, Founder & President of Ayles Solutions. Explore Philip’s coaching practice and upcoming book he will be launching with Mission Matters.

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About Ayles Solutions

Vision: Coaching veterans to find their happiest life possible.

Understanding your own triggers to control how you react to the world around you.

Bringing out your best for the pursuit of happiness.

Mission: Coaching Veterans to use emotional intelligence and mindfulness to live their happiest life.

Ayles Solutions Coaches Emotional Intelligence and Mindfulness content to address the holistic approach. Self awareness and the ability to control emotions in any situation. Understanding yourself and why you react in this manner. Emotional Intelligence is used to better the life choices that align with your goals.Working together, anything is possible.

Full Unedited Transcript

 Hey, I’d like to welcome you to another episode of Mission Matters. My name is Adam Torres, and if you’d like to apply to be a guest in the show, just head on over to mission matters.com and click on be Our Guest to Apply. All right, so did I have Philip Ailes on the line and he is founder over at Aile Solutions?

Philip, welcome to the show. Thank. All right, so I’m excited to get into today’s topic. So first off, you will be one of our upcoming authors and our latest of business leaders book release. So I’m really excited and thrilled to have you to have you be part of the project. And of course I wanna go into what you’re doing over at ALE Solution solutions, really how you got started there and really what led you down this path.

But before we do, we’ll start this episode the way that we start them all with our mission matters. So Phillip, we at Mission Matters, we amplify stories for entrepreneurs, executives, and experts. That’s our mission. Phillip, what mission matters to you? Mission matters to me is the ability to assist veterans in finding happiness, and part of that is I use emotional intelligence and mindfulness as a foundation to build a better future.

Mm. And getting, and it’s not what I want or what I think you should want. No. It’s tailored to the individual to break to get them to understand what they really want out of life. A lot of ’em, once you, I’ve already did a career already and I’m retired from it. and a friend of mine, because I got disillusioned there for a while.

Mm-hmm. , a friend of mine named Robert McKim is a buddy that I went to Iraq with. Mm-hmm. , and I stayed in touch with him and everything. He told me not to give up. Mm-hmm. . And he says, you have so much to give out in this world. And there’s a message that I can bring to other veterans to let ’em know that.

What now? Mm-hmm. , after you served your military time and you’ve gone out, you’ve done phenomenal things. Mm-hmm. , live life on in chaos. Mm-hmm. . But what do you do when all that’s done? The lights go out and you’re no longer in the high speed job anymore. Mm-hmm. and what I found out is real life is boring and it can get you.

because that’s the only thing you are, is you’re like, I can’t believe I did all this stuff and no one will even paid attention to me. Hmm. Well, when it comes to find out, it’s, I went through that journey myself, and honestly, it wasn’t until I understood and emotional intelligence and mindfulness mm-hmm.

that I saw. , everything was my, was my problem. Mm-hmm. , I brought the, I brought situations in because my ego and my pride. Yeah. And in the military, ego and pride hinders you. Hmm. Because we’re in learning to be humble and understanding and gracious to others. I didn’t know. I knew that in other countries, but I didn’t know it in my.

Hmm. So it took me two years of traveling all, all over the country to figure out. , wait a minute. We’re all the same. And if I can do this stuff overseas Yeah. Why can’t I do it in my own country? Yeah. And bring people together. I think your story’s really interesting and I wanna, I wanna go back to maybe some of the earlier days, like where did this, I know you did some work with the, with the Wooden Warrior project and like, and I mean, where did this want to?

Focus on others and to begin wanting to help others. Like where did all of that begin outside of, outside of the military, of course, when you were, you know, back in civilian life. Well, in the civilian life, I’ve done stuff, emergency management. I was just Washington State Emergency Operations Officer.

Mm-hmm. , after I came back from Iraq, and then I got a contract to go back to Iraq and. , all the connections, everything that I had been building during that time, people moved on. Mm-hmm. , because I went from, I went for three years overseas and everybody, every life changes when you do that. Yeah. And a lot of the ones that I interact with were on doing other things, and I just felt lost.

Mm-hmm. and I sat down, I was drinking too much. Mm. in, in other words, I over indulged . Mm-hmm. when, and had to come to back to a moderation. Mm-hmm. . And I realize now I’m a little disappointed in myself the way I was back then because I had so much passion, but I had no understanding of how it affected me emotionally and how I think took things personal that I should have never.

Mm. And realizing that I went mindlessly through my career and created a huge wake behind me. Mm-hmm. and part of that of I needed to fix me before I could help anybody else. Mm-hmm. , I need to get my finances in order. I need to get my, my family in order. I needed to get all these steps to create that better foundation.

to where if I would’ve known this 30 years ago, my life would’ve been completely different. Mm-hmm. And knowing that you don’t, what do you do when everybody thinks they’re right? Yeah. And coming to that and realizing that, you know what, and with worded Warrior project operation and uniform that’s based outta here, I realized the more I learned, the more I didn’t know, or the more I needed to.

Hmm. And with organizations like that, they got me off the couch and out the door. Mm-hmm. . And I think one of the hardest things for the veterans that I interacted with was getting off the couch and being present or showing up. Yeah. Because with Wounded Warrior, I mean, you can’t ask for anything better than someone to.

play. I played golf in areas that I would’ve never had. Yeah. And I see it as they forged opportunities for veterans to get out and realize that you, it’s, you’re not the only one. Mm-hmm. . Everybody’s going through that. And now how can I positively impact those that I meet and we get. , we, we act a little different around each other than we do in public.

And one of the things that saved me was my current wife. Hmm. She made me listen and she, because my daughters were telling me, Hey dad, you might wanna try something different. But I was thinking I knew everything, so I. and when I was traveling cross country, I stopped in Mayport, Florida at the naval station there.

Had no clue what I was doing, but yet I knew there, there was good things for me here. And I married a local Tony and it’s still the deep south. Mm-hmm. . And fortunately enough that I’ve been in other. to where I don’t go in prejudgment and say, oh, you guys are all screwed up. No, actually they know what they’re doing.

Mm-hmm. , it’s the culture that it takes time that build trust and understanding and realize that I’m not, I’m part of it. Yeah. I’m not the whole thing. And there’s so many phenomenal people I’ve met traveling good people. and to get people to understand, or veterans to understand, you know what, we do have it, we have control.

Yeah. And once you un, once you control yourself, it, it’s like the residuals off of that that everybody gets to see, feel that positive energy. Mm-hmm. , because you know, we’ve all know what negative isn’t it? It’s not great. And focusing on it will never push you. Hmm. It’ll hold you there. And, but going to Iraq with the three 24th and meeting these guys that we were a small unit Hmm.

And seeing the impact that we had and they loved us. Hmm. Because we treated with kindness and respect. Mm-hmm. and that’s all they wanted. Cuz most of ’em would mean 50% unemployment. Mm-hmm. and all they wanted is a job that’s they can go home safely to their spouse or their loved ones. Yeah. And they thought it w we could get ’em to that point in two years.

Well, we spent eight years and did none of that. Mm-hmm. , but they’re, I mean, they lost 879 Iraqi police officers the year that we went there in oh four, and they were just slaughtering them. Mm-hmm. and. you had I projected myself into their situation. Mm-hmm. , what would you do if somebody did that over here in the United States?

Yeah. One day of activity there was shut our whole country down. Mm-hmm. . But over there I, you know, it’s sad when I became more accustomed to being in a combat zone, because I knew what I was doing. I was trained to do it. I made all the connections, networking to get anything that we. . Yeah. But coming back here, it, it just feels like you, you feel like one hand clapping.

Mm-hmm. , or, I do. I did. Yeah. But now with this new purpose and everything, I know my story can help others. Yeah. and Philip. So one of the things about your story, and even as we talk now, that I find just really unique and maybe, and I I’m not trying to feed into any particular stereotype mm-hmm. , but when you talk about things like, especially about our service then, but when you talk about, you know, going to Iraq and being used to this, you know, a war, a war, a war zone in a battlefield situation, you mentioned now when you talk about kind of what you do in other things, a lot, a lot about emotion.

Emotional intelligence, things like that, that I wouldn’t always attribute to those other situations. Like is this kind of not, and you’re also helping other veterans. So are these skills like new or is this something that you’ve always said? Is this something that you’ve kind of picked up afterwards to help people with?

Like it, to me, it sounds like, I don’t hear that very often from many, from many other individuals talking about emotions, emotion, intelligence, all of that. How’s that taken by the, by the individuals You’re. Actually it’s welcomed. Yeah. Cause I mean, and what sparked me into it, cause I’ve been on LinkedIn and I have 22,000 followers.

Yeah. And I looked at it as, okay, I look at potential. Hmm. And seeing, because it, you might not be able to help now, but it is in the future. You never. Who you trip into. Yeah. And what message you want to bring Mine is control yourself. Learn how to control yourself. And you could be the master of your universe.

Yeah. Because my thing was I didn’t have any control. I, everything was a battle. Mm-hmm. And that was part of my P T S D because I had a, what they’ve called a strong moral compass. And if I, I don’t like people messing with the little guy that can’t do anything for himself. Mm-hmm. . And that’s when I did research, I found out what they could do to me in the army and what my rights were.

Mm-hmm. , and I’ve seen a lot in the MP Corps is a human rights violations. and their philosophy is, well, they don’t know any better. We could do whatever the heck we want. Mm-hmm. . Well, that’s the wrong answer. That’s not leadership. Mm-hmm. . And I’ve spoke to another, another Zini, he’s retired now. He was the eighth Army commander in Korea.

I was just start buck Sergeant and I met his wife doing community-based assessments. Mm-hmm. and got on his calendar. He put me on. and we just sat there and I asked him about his leadership style. Mm-hmm. , and one of the things he that resonated with me the most was, Hey, all this stuff’s O J T. Mm-hmm.

He says, one, don’t listen to the people above you. He says they’re not your responsibility. Your responsibility to those in your charge. Mm-hmm. , if they tell you you’re screwing up, pay attention. because they’re the ones that are put in my charge and I try to, I try to be a better now cuz I didn’t have that emotional.

Mm-hmm. emotional intelligence didn’t come out until 95 by Daniel Goldman. Mm-hmm. and looking through his research, it makes sense. because it’s just not your iq. That’s why you’ll see a lot of people that are geniuses, but have no social skills or common sense. Well, I look at that balance. There’s a purpose for it all.

Mm-hmm. . And that’s where I needed to love myself more than I loved other people. Because once I loved myself more, I was a, I’m able to share. and understanding with others. And other than that, it was just doing the missions and being, I, I, I admit I didn’t have a filter. Mm-hmm. , I didn’t know my audiences , but to the most part, I, I wanted to know other people’s stories.

Yeah. And that’s what I did with my Iraqi students, my Iraqi police guys. Mm. , they went in, I, I found out once you stand up for a group, the loyalty is second to none. Mm-hmm. and because no one stands up for ’em. Mm-hmm. . And so I was that voice and it was all positive. Yeah. Because, you know, everybody has their own style of leadership.

Mm-hmm. . But if you. , you’re more palatable if you, you know, you can go into a situation, calm, collective and not freak out. Mm-hmm. because you know how, what your triggers are. And that’s another thing. I had triggers that people pushed and not usually, not in my best , my not for my benefit. Yeah. It was usually for theirs.

Mm. , but not being able to recognize that and just get emotional. The anxiety manifests itself in anger and then it just snowballed from there. Mm-hmm. , because I wasn’t one of those that would just talk and run, nah, you challenge me. I never ran. Hmm. But I see the error in that philosophy because not everything is a.

and I used to bring the whole arsenal, tanks, helicopters, gun to every tiny little situation and I like, well, I have it in case I need it. Mm-hmm. , well, just like what law enforcement’s been doing in Nashville. Mm-hmm. , they, they had no control over themselves whatsoever, and they lost their job and now mm-hmm.

it shows you how quick you’d go from being a good guy to a criminal. . Mm-hmm. . And if you understand that and realize that everything that you’re doing is being video. So do you want to be professional or do you want to be that, that rookie mm-hmm. that runs into everything. Well, no, you don’t need to run constantly, but ice, I spent most of my.

adult life and hyper speed because I was going to school, trying to take care of my family, do military stuff, do everything I could, and I burnt myself out. Mm-hmm. , because once that ends, what Now? I don’t ha, I have a master’s, I don’t need a doctorate. Mm-hmm. . But it’s that pushing forward and I did it for myself rather than, because ultimately, Who do you live wake up with every day.

Yeah. And Philip, I’m your current work. I wanna, I want to jump around here a bit. So a solution and how you’re helping veterans and, and through your coaching practice. Like, tell us a little bit more about that and really, and, and how you’re working with veterans. Help them find, you know, their, their motivation and their.

Well, you know, it all boils down to what I saw out of the constitution, the pursuit of happiness. Mm-hmm. , and it’s up to you to find that what that is, this is mine. My pursuit of happiness is helping others. When, because I felt alone at times in which I was never alone. Is is just, I. And, you know, I felt guilty because I wasn’t doing anything.

Mm-hmm. , and here I’ve been performing my whole life. And now it’s like, and when people interact with you, they don’t know you. Mm-hmm. . So thank God I’ve learned to, with all walks of life, I don’t care. I believe in you treat people the way with respect, and you expect them to treat you. Mm. And what I’ve been doing with the veterans.

I have a friend of mine got, he’s six. Six. Yeah. Big guy. That’s a big guy. And I tried to explain to him, I said, you’re intimidating. Yeah. He’s like, but I’m, I’m the nicest person you ever meet. I said, but people don’t know that. Mm-hmm. . And he started very sarcastic. and everything. And what I tried to get him to understand is take a stop.

Take a stop. Realize what you’ve, what you’ve done in the past just ticks people off because you don’t know your audience. And he’s not, he wasn’t humble. Mm-hmm. . But over the last four months I’ve been working with him and he’s a whole nother person. Wow. Because he recognized. When he was interacting and other people told him the same thing I was mm-hmm.

and he went up for a position with Wounded Warrior Project. And for them, it’s a whole nother process for them, for you to get hired. They don’t hire just anybody. Yeah. And you have to understand where you, you’re humble, kind, gracious. and you gotta let your ego and your pride go mm-hmm. , because that’s what offends most people is your ego.

Mm-hmm. and I don’t know everything. So, and I look at it as the more people I get involved, the more I get people to understand that they have control over themselves. Mm-hmm. and cuz the guys were not taught those manners. Mm-hmm. . , especially when you’re in the military, you’re taught to go and kill and survive and complete the mission and your personal stuff is your personal stuff.

Well, once you get out and you don’t have that rigid structure, you need, I needed somebody to teach me what mindfulness was. I, and I had the miscon misconception of its meditation. Getting, finding your inner peace? Well, no, it’s so much more than that. Mm-hmm. , that’s not even the tip of the iceberg. Hmm. And for me, it’s a constant practice and I catch myself every once in a while, I’ll get annoyed and getting a little agitated, but then I go, why am I annoyed?

And I rationalized through it. . For me, the biggest reward is seeing friends, my clients and friends prosper from it. Mm-hmm. and completely change their mindset and to where they better communicate with their families. And you’re open. And hon, and that’s the thing about it, is you gotta be honest with yourself.

Yeah. Because when you lie, you just wasting your own time. But if you’re honest with yourself and say, and go, it’s me. Hi. It’s me. I’m the problem here. Yeah. It’s my perception in the way I’m interacting with civilian. Yeah. Is it’s a necessity now. That’s great. So Philip, I want to, I wanna spend a little bit of time here now just for everybody watching this.

Just to let you know, we will be bringing Philip back on the show after the book is live. But I wanna spend just a little bit of time, so this is a part, one of a two-part interview. , but I wanna spend just a little bit of time, if you will. This is just a teaser. We can’t give the audience everything on this one.

Not yet. Philip, about the what you plan to contribute and maybe some of the ideas for the upcoming Mission Matters book that you’ll be been author in. Like, tell us a little bit more about what kind, what you plan to propose. Well, what I’m planning for is to show a guideline. How, how I was mm-hmm. , the situation was I was very successful, but I, my mouth always got me in trouble.

Hmm. Because I didn’t know when to shut up . And, but for now, it is about picking and choosing your Yeah. And that, and it goes both in your professional and your personal life. Mm-hmm. because, , it’s you and no one can force you out of bed or make you do anything. It’s you gotta do it. Want to do it for yourself.

Mm-hmm. . And that’s my journey of coming out of going into the military, had an associate’s degree. I earned my bachelor’s in my master’s because I saw. , it was for me in my personal development, and it all comes down to self-awareness. Yeah. And if you’re not aware of how you respond, because I, I’ve blown people away because I don’t get upset about hardly anything anymore.

Hmm. Because all that it does is exasperate the situation. Mm. And so I make better decisions. I’m more loving to my family because of my self-awareness. Hmm. And knowing that it, words or words, actions speak louder. Mm-hmm. , and, you know, I, I’ve done everything I ever wanted. Mm-hmm. and this whole. New, new prospect or new dealings.

It’s my gift to veterans that are struggling. Mm-hmm. and knowing that, hey, I lead by example. I don’t just, I don’t tell you to do something I’m not willing to do myself. . Yeah. And building that trust and those relationships, because my passion definitely aligns in solving problems and building relationships.

Yeah. Because those relationships and not necessarily help me, I can help others with it. Mm-hmm. and part of that and coming to peace and finding my own peace within. after feeling alone, abandoned, or retired is a hard thing to do when you’re young. Yeah. But me getting out, me exercising, meeting people, and I’ve met professional football players that go through the same stuff.

Mm-hmm. or professional athletes, they’re all like, they don’t know what to do now because they’ve done they’ve, their whole life. Was that. . Right. And then after. Yeah. And then yeah, you have all this money and everything, but what are you gonna do with it? Mm-hmm. and some of ’em go broke. Other ones prosper and makes you wonder.

Okay. Frame of mind can you get into to be humble enough to go. I understand. Well, and that’s my main. Well, I’m gonna, I’m gonna cut you off there cuz we’re definitely not gonna give all the audience the, all of what’s gonna be in the book. So we’re gonna, that’s just a little teaser for everybody watching.

But then again, I, I’m just remember I’m gonna be bringing Philip back on for a second part of this a two-part interview series. But for today, Philip, I just wanna say really it has. Been great having you on the show, just learning more about you, your background, why you do what you do, really going from, you know, being blessed, also figuring out how to be a blessing in the lives of your clients, your friends, all those that you touch.

And really just taking your coaching practice to a whole nother level. Doing things like creating content like we’re doing today. I’m really excited to continue to watch ALE Solutions grow and for you to prosper. But that being said, Philip, if somebody is watching. and they want to learn more or to connect with you and your team and to follow your journey, what’s the best way for them to do it?

Best way? I’m on LinkedIn. That’s my main platform that I use because it has everything that I need in it. I am still in the process of doing the website. I still had, I need some more content to put into it. Mm-hmm. , but hopefully by the launch it’ll be done because people, that’s what they use to look up.

And you gotta have an online. Oh yeah. Awesome. So we’ll put your LinkedIn link and all that good stuff in the show notes so that our audience can click. Just click on the link and head right on over and connect with you. And speaking of the audience, if this is your first time with Mission Matters or engaging with an episode, we’re all about bringing on business owners, entrepreneurs, executives, and experts, and having them.

Their mission, the reason behind their mission, really why they do what they do and what gets them up in the morning gets them fired up to go out there in the marketplace and make a difference and in the people’s lives, right? If that’s type of content that sounds interesting or fun or engaging to you.

Hit that subscribe button because we have many more mission-based individuals coming up on the line, and we don’t want you to miss a thing. And Philip, this is just the beginning of us working together. Can’t wait to have you back on the show to do part two of this interview. But for today, thanks again for coming on the show.

Had a lot of fun. All right. Thank you. I, I greatly appreciate you taking the time and allowing me to get my message out.